


It's A Red-Letter Day

by dellaxstreet



Series: If You Give A Supe A Paycheck [4]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Companionable Snark, Darcy & Peter also make good bros, FOURTH WALL WHAT FOURTH WALL, Gen, The Avengers make terrible housemates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 09:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12724248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dellaxstreet/pseuds/dellaxstreet
Summary: Tapping a fingertip on her lower lip, Darcy shook her head. “Uh-uh. We do a question for a question or no dice, Webhead. Don’t worry, I won’t ask anything embarrassing, like how you deal with chafing problems, because some mysteries? I do not need to have revealed to me.”Now she could add ‘made Spiderman choke on a mocha latte’ to her personal accomplishments list.Featuring: Snarking at superheroes, thank you lattes, and questions about why everyone wears red.





	It's A Red-Letter Day

**Author's Note:**

> Shortest entry in the series so far, but fear not, there will be more than snark and cameos to come...

“I Can’t Believe I Was There, And That Happened” could totally be the title to one of the volumes of Darcy’s autobiography. Today’s edition started when she was waylaid on her morning coffee run by an idiot who was clearly no criminal mastermind, if he was gonna try and nab her purse this close to Avengers territory. Especially because Darcy came armed with a taser and a serious stubborn streak.

One minute, she was yanking determinedly on the purse straps while also trying to pry said taser free, and the next, the idiot in question looked up above her head, his eyes going wide. There was a split second where she wondered if her hair was on fire, and then a pair of spandex-clad feet collided with his shoulders, sending him toppling to the sidewalk.

“Didn’t your mother teach you manners?” A moment later, the criminal found himself stuck in place, his wrists and ankles webbed to the concrete. Spiderman turned in midair and came to a stop perched against the nearest storefront, masked face tipped down as though he were looking at her.

What she meant to do was thank him, but somehow, what came out of Darcy’s mouth was, “What if he doesn’t have a mother? That’s some seriously exclusionary language, dude!”

The noise which Spiderman made at the back of his throat could only be described as a choked kind of laugh, even as he put his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “Sorry, sorry! You’re welcome, by the way!”

“Are you _sassing_ me right now? I know you can see down my top from up there, too, so don’t even try to pretend you’re being innocent.” Maybe it was just second nature by now, but she put her hands on her hips, taser plainly in view. “Besides, I totally had that handled. I once tased the god of thunder – I fear no man.”

Head cocked to one side, he seemed to be studying her, like he was trying to figure out if she was being serious. Then he asked incredulously, “You tased _Thor_?!”

Nodding emphatically, Darcy decided it was safe enough to put her weapon away for now. She wasn’t too worried that Spiderman would try anything, because presumably he knew that Earth’s mightiest heroes could turn him into a smear on somebody’s windshield if he did. Besides, as long as you didn’t read the weird hatchet jobs he sometimes got in the papers, he was supposedly a pretty good guy.

“Technically, I also hit him with a car. But I’ve always blamed Jane for that one, since she hit him with a car again later. New Mexico was weird, is what I’m saying.” The laughter cascading down seemed to indicate that her tendency to stick her foot directly into her mouth wasn’t having too much of an effect on his opinion of her, so she pointed down the block and asked, “Do you accept thank you lattes?”

This was how Darcy found herself sitting across the table from Spiderman, having coffee in her favorite little cafe near work. Today, she had a snowflake drawn in the foam at the top of her coffee, while her companion had gotten a spider in his, a fact that had nearly compelled her to steal it before she remembered this was supposed to be a good deed. She also wasn’t at all sure how this was happening, but she was comforted by the fact that he didn’t seem to know either.

“Do you know all the Avengers, or just Thor?” he asked, when he’d tugged the bottom half of his mask up far enough to drink. They were getting stares, which judging by his hunched shoulders, bothered him more than it did her.

Tapping a fingertip on her lower lip, Darcy shook her head. “Uh-uh. We do a question for a question or no dice, Webhead. Don’t worry, I won’t ask anything embarrassing, like how you deal with chafing problems, because some mysteries? I do not need to have revealed to me.”

Now she could add ‘made Spiderman choke on a mocha latte’ to her personal accomplishments list.

“That’s nice of you,” he said, when he could breathe again. “So do you know them?”

“Speaking of mysteries you don’t need a big reveal on. Let me tell you, Tony Stark is a shameless popcorn thief, which is ridiculous because he could literally just pay someone to invent a machine to poof popcorn into existence. Actually no, that’s a really bad idea, I take that back, he’d try to invent it himself, and then it would achieve sentience on a steady path to world domination. Trust me. After the coffeemaker, he is not allowed to invent new appliances.”

Pausing to filter through what she could probably afford to tell him, she rolled her eyes and added, “Hawkeye is a complete busybody. You have to pretty much assume that at any second, he could be chilling in the vents with a beer and a dart gun, listening to you talk. Black Widow’s about as terrifying as you’d expect, but Captain America? Oh, let me tell you – Captain America is the country’s biggest undiscovered secret troll. They say don’t ever meet your heroes but _boy,_ if you’re super into his whole schtick then don’t ever hang out with him.”

“What about the Hulk?”

Darcy set her cup down, shaking her head. “Nope, my turn. However you got your superpowers, were you just like, super happy you weren’t born a girl? ‘Cause I can imagine the wind resistance on boobs would be killer.”

Apparently, she could now also add ‘made Spiderman accidentally snort said mocha latte out his nose’ to her list of all-time great efforts. “I hadn’t really thought about it, but now I am! So… what about the Hulk?”

She shrugged one shoulder. “Nice guy. Shy, sometimes, but in that way where some people are fine until they realize you’re paying attention to them.” It wasn’t exactly what most people might’ve expected to hear when they found out you’d met a superhero whose power boiled down to ‘get giant, green and angry while things get smashed’, but to Spiderman’s credit, he didn’t seem to think it needed commenting on.

Half an hour later, when she finally got back to the tower and distributed coffee, she had decided Spiderman was definitely an all right dude. Or at least, looked so hilarious snorting latte out of his nose that she would reserve judgment on his heroic deeds until a later date.

So of course, today wasn’t done throwing her for a loop. It took her three steps into the tower’s common area to spot the problem, or more accurately, to spot the problem presented by another person clad in red spandex lounging on the giant, Avengers-sized sofa, two boxes of pizza resting at his elbow.

“Is there like, a non-Avengers New York City superhero dress code, or something? Do you all have to wear red?” Darcy was pretty sure she’d spotted a non-Spiderman hero running around midtown one time, and his costume had some kind of ears or horns on the helmet. And now, there was this guy, who looked like he was perfectly at home, which was weird, because she would’ve remembered him.

“On Wednesdays we wear pink!” New Unidentified Stranger said brightly, jumping to his feet so that he could hold out a gloved hand to her. “Pool. Dead.”

Deadpool. That rang a distant bell. There had definitely been something in the orientation manual about keeping him way the hell away from the premises at all costs, something about him being dangerous, unstable and prone to unpredictable levels of violence. That, or Tony just really didn’t like him, it was hard to tell sometimes. The reason half the X-Men and Reed Richards were barred by security totally boiled down to the inner workings of his whiny man-ego.

“Lewis. Darcy.” She shook his hand. “What kind of pizza is that? And know that if your answer displeases me, I will absolutely tase your ass.”

Despite not being able to see his face behind the mask, it definitely looked like he was directing a grin at her, somehow. “Pineapple and japaleño. The pizza of kings.”

“Very well. Your offering pleases me, you may pass unharmed.” Actually, now that she thought about it, there was definitely leftover pie in the refrigerator to go along with this feast. Darting over to retrieve it while Deadpool sat on the kitchen island, feet swinging wildly, she raised her eyebrows and asked, “You totally just wanted to break into Tony’s living room and see what faces he makes at pineapple on pizza, didn’t you?”

“Already, our minds are becoming one.” His Antonio Banderas impression needed work.

“Split it with me, and I won’t tell him you’re here til he comes down for lunch. I wanna see the look on his face too.”


End file.
